Hello all,
Sorry I haven't written in a while. It is something that I am still developing, I would love to get to a point where I am posting at least once a week, if not twice a week. But all in due time I suppose.
Things have been such a roller coaster for me, I can't quite describe it. I could, and I will get into it somewhat, but there are only so many things that one can reveal to the internet when some stuff you haven't told others. And as I have a link to this blog on my Facebook, and I don't tell most of my friends anything on there, I figure I will keep aloof, and just stick to generalities.
Like a good percentage of youth these days, I have zero self-esteem. It goes beyond not thinking you can step up to a plate and hit a ball, or even getting up on stage to play or lead worship. It is deeper than that.
I have utter confidence in myself to perform on stage, I am not the best musician in the world, but God has blessed me with ability, and I know what I can do. But the real question is what am I worth.
I have zero self-worth. It sounds very emo of me to say I have no self-worth, but I won't lie to you guys. And besides I can't be emo, I wore corduroys with a sweater, dress shirt and tie; if anything--I scare emos!
But I just have zero worth in myself, so it makes things interesting. I am not suicidal or anything, so you don't have to call 1-800-SUICIDE and report me, I am not going to kill myself, enjoy life. It is just when it comes to me, I take a back seat.
In the most extreme of circumstances. I know that God loves me, and if it wasn't for that I don't know what I would do. He is the only pull of strength I have, ever. But sometimes, you want someone here on earth you can have that with too.
It isn't a sin. I recognize God as my absolute source of strength, but at the same time, it would be nice to have someone here on this planet that you can be completely and unabashedly raw with. You know, someone that you can come to, and in your weakest of moments, know that they are there to support you.
How do you deal with the fear that you could attain that, but you are just doing too poorly--not matching up-- to the standards required and you know that things are only going to get worse from here?
I wish I could shut that part of my brain down, I wish I could be numb to it. I would be perfectly content living my life alone and serving God as much as I can. Seriously, Donald Miller is a testament to why Paul said it would be easier to be single.
You know, sometimes being called to do so much for God is hard, and I just want someone beside me for the race. I don't think that is a sin.
I just want to feel security in that area. I don't think that is such a hard thing to ask for...
Sorry guys, I know it isn't my cheeriest of posts, but I just write what I feel.
Soon I am going to post a short story I wrote, if anyone does read this, let me know what you think.
Much Love,
Josh
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