Consistent

Hello all.

I am glad we could meet again. I missed you guys. However, I am still within my quota of one a week, and I have to say, this has been a great week.

I have discovered a few things about myself, some I will share with you, others I will steal for myself.

It has been very encouraging for me to find out, this week, that more people read this blog than I thought. I found out about one other person--the tally is now up to three people! And to those people, and those who I don't know about your presence on my blog, please, become a follower. Not in the sense of a cult, but it is encouraging for me to see that people actually read this.

Actually, most interesting thing of the week--I just had a girl add me on facebook because she thought I was the guitarist from Paramore. No lie. She is in Arkansas, and she attends a school of the blind. She speaks Spanish! It was cool. I told her I wasn't the guitarist, but we talked on the chat in Spanish.

*one week later*

Man, I can't believe I let this one go so long. My bad guys.

The greatest epiphony just happened to me. I can't believe how simple it is, and yet at the same time, how long it took for me to get this in my head.

John 1:5 says this, "The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it." HOW AMAZING IS THAT?!?!?!

It is still blowing my mind, I am not even kidding. This passage talks about how the Word is Jesus, and Jesus is the word (makes you understand why he could quote scripture so well). It is saying that the word is light, and the light can never be extinguished by the darkness!

I have read the first chapter of John probably 15-20 times, and this finally makes sense, to the fullness of its magnitude! I can't believe how blind I have been. And another thing--

Pray for me. I am praying for God to give the embedded realization that, "If the Holy Spirit is truly in me, then I won't desire for anything else, ever." This is a quote from my good friend Phil, and I can't believe how amazing it is!

Think about it, if God has filled us with Him, then there is no room for anything else.

Man, this is mind blowing. I am going to go pray and read my Bible for a bit. I hope you all have a merry Christmas, and try not to get all caught up in the commercialism. Christmas is about Christ, but it is also a time for us to just be with each other and love each other.

Happy Christmas,

Josh

The Illusive Story

Hello.

Well, I wasn't lying. Here it is. I published it all up so I can now put it up on the internet. If you like it or have a typo, let me know. And just so you know, I had to type this whole thing out because the html scripting kept coming up as incorrect. Your welcome.

Thanks,
Josh

The sound of the city fills their small apartment. It is only a two-bedroom hovel on the seventh floor of an east-side complex. Each siren or shot from the street was a sledge hammer to the walls, which were paper thin.
One night, the fire company had gone by the complex and the walls shook so violently that their wedding pictures fell to the floor.
The shouting never seemed to stop, from the outside or the inside. Due to the walls being no more that 2 inches thick, each neighbor's fight could be heard throughout the building. In fact, the Grankowski's were having such an argument a knife came flying through their wall just now.
This made her cry, not because she would have to ask her husband to fix the hole in the wall, but because of the utter depression this caused her. Her husband was out working, and he wouldn't be home for a while, which meant that she had to sit there and stare at the knife protruding through her wall.
The more she thinks about their home, if you could call it that, the worse she feels. Wasn't marriage supposed to be happier than this? Her husband works 6 days a week to get them by, and she was pregnant--very pregnant. He not only slaved all week for her, but for their baby, which would be living here as well.
This returns the tears.
He promised her, when he proposed, that they would never have much money due to his line of work, bu she agreed to that. She loved him more than the thought of a comfortable life, but at times she questions if she knew what she was getting into.
He is an honest man, who loves God and his work, and more importantly--he loves her. He loves her with a fire, and he always makes sure she knows it. Not a day goes by without little love notes littered around the house, or a poem. At least once a day he calls the house from work, just to talk--and to tell her that he loves her.
A door creaked; she didn't look up, you could hear everyone's door open--to her surprise, a set of arms wrapped around her huge stomach
She jumps!
He laughs.
She turns to see him with some dirt on his face and a chill on his nose, but his smile--that is always what mesmerizes her. He whispers his words of love and she melts in his arms, like always.
"I have a treat for you, my dear," he says softly into her ear.
"Oh really, please do tell," her words are shaped by the broadening smile on her face.
Quickly he pulls a thermos from his bag, and poured two cups of coffee. It was brewed just the way she loves it--the way that he makes it. Following the coffee he pulls a container of Oreo's out of his bag of goodies. Then, a lantern.
"Where did you get the lantern?" puzzled, she doesn't even try to ask it, it just comes out.
"Well, I bought it with some money I have squirreled away. I have always wanted to have conversations with you by our fire place--" her laughing cuts him off. His smile broadens and he continued, "So, here is our fire place!"
She laughs, more than she had in a while. If it was one thing he always seems to bve able to cure, it was her sorrow. Quickly, her laughter turns to tears.
"Dear, what is wrong? Don't you like the new addition to our palace?" he asked, knowing that he could get her to smile.
"No, I love it. You always make this work," she said this as she slumps onto his shoulder and moves into keen snuggling position.
"I can't give you much, but you always have my love, "he whispers as he kisses her head.
As the sirens drone and the people shout, the husband and his wife settle down in each other's arms. They forgot the sorrows that surround them as they were both lost in the palace they created.

Morning Devotions

Hello all!

Again, I apologize for the last post. It was, indeed, a time of intense sadness. I should have known it, but God supplied me with just as intense of a dose of his love. And the love of others (you know who you guys are), so I am feeling much better.

Well, instead of morning devotions, I figured I would devote this time to thanking God for the simple things I have. I am listening to "Lucky" by Jason Mraz, you be the judge if it has any bearing on my post.

I will start off with the simple things I just notice, then continue up till the bigger things.

I am grateful for sight, smell, and hearing. Without which this world would be terribly drab.
I am grateful for French Roast. You make my mornings better everyday.
I am grateful to Jason Mraz, your music is so amazing.
I am grateful for Ramen Noodles (particularly the beef variety) for being a quick meal that fills my stomach.
I am grateful to Walmart for supplying the cup I drink from (it is a Walmart safety mug. All the time I worked there and this is all I have to show of it).
I am grateful to scat vocals, started by Ella Fitzgerald and continued by Jason Mraz.
I am grateful for music. God knew what he was doing.
I am grateful for the effect that coffee has on the body; the atmosphere it brings is just too wonderful to describe.
I am grateful for snow. It is snowing where I live, and it is magical.
I am grateful to food. Not only does it provide nourishment, it is a great conduit of amazing conversation with people!
I am grateful for boots, you will make today less miserable.
I am grateful for friends. Not only do they make life endurable, but they also make it a fun time. They are always there, and for that I am also grateful.
I am grateful for love. You make life so difficult sometimes, and at the same time you are what life is worth living for. Trust me, as much as sometimes I don't feel it, I know I am loved, and it is the best feeling ever!
I am grateful to God, for life, love, and everything! Without Him the prior list wouldn't be possible.

If you didn't notice, I am just grateful today. It is nice. I am know God is doing some amazing things with me, in me and through me. I will let you guys know about them later.

Story still in the editing process, I have to get it done soon, so don't worry.

Much love,
Josh

Beyond morose, something much deeper

Hello all,

Sorry I haven't written in a while. It is something that I am still developing, I would love to get to a point where I am posting at least once a week, if not twice a week. But all in due time I suppose.

Things have been such a roller coaster for me, I can't quite describe it. I could, and I will get into it somewhat, but there are only so many things that one can reveal to the internet when some stuff you haven't told others. And as I have a link to this blog on my Facebook, and I don't tell most of my friends anything on there, I figure I will keep aloof, and just stick to generalities.

Like a good percentage of youth these days, I have zero self-esteem. It goes beyond not thinking you can step up to a plate and hit a ball, or even getting up on stage to play or lead worship. It is deeper than that.

I have utter confidence in myself to perform on stage, I am not the best musician in the world, but God has blessed me with ability, and I know what I can do. But the real question is what am I worth.

I have zero self-worth. It sounds very emo of me to say I have no self-worth, but I won't lie to you guys. And besides I can't be emo, I wore corduroys with a sweater, dress shirt and tie; if anything--I scare emos!

But I just have zero worth in myself, so it makes things interesting. I am not suicidal or anything, so you don't have to call 1-800-SUICIDE and report me, I am not going to kill myself, enjoy life. It is just when it comes to me, I take a back seat.

In the most extreme of circumstances. I know that God loves me, and if it wasn't for that I don't know what I would do. He is the only pull of strength I have, ever. But sometimes, you want someone here on earth you can have that with too.

It isn't a sin. I recognize God as my absolute source of strength, but at the same time, it would be nice to have someone here on this planet that you can be completely and unabashedly raw with. You know, someone that you can come to, and in your weakest of moments, know that they are there to support you.

How do you deal with the fear that you could attain that, but you are just doing too poorly--not matching up-- to the standards required and you know that things are only going to get worse from here?

I wish I could shut that part of my brain down, I wish I could be numb to it. I would be perfectly content living my life alone and serving God as much as I can. Seriously, Donald Miller is a testament to why Paul said it would be easier to be single.

You know, sometimes being called to do so much for God is hard, and I just want someone beside me for the race. I don't think that is a sin.

I just want to feel security in that area. I don't think that is such a hard thing to ask for...

Sorry guys, I know it isn't my cheeriest of posts, but I just write what I feel.

Soon I am going to post a short story I wrote, if anyone does read this, let me know what you think.

Much Love,
Josh